Get Your Ticket Here

          I find the French trains interesting because they can be many things at once. They are versatile and volatile and can just as easily lead you to success as they can to failure. You can take them to the next stop or to the next country if you want. You can pay or not pay according to your level of daring, and sometimes you can even get a discount if the lady at the desk is kind enough to ask your age. The train has many properties and roles, the first among these being a reliable form of transportation, but most of the time, the train also has a mind and personality of its own to figure into the equation of getting you from place to place.

The Bad Date

This train leaves you waiting… waiting… waiting… and wondering whether it is ever going to show. You think, “Maybe, it got held up in traffic,” so you wait around on the platform convincing yourself that it’s going to show up any minute now. Any minute now… You think, “It probably just got a late start,” and so you force yourself to remain rooted to the same spot, afraid that if you move anywhere it will come and you’ll miss it completely as it moves on its way like you never even existed. Most likely, it’s sitting at home in the depot and hasn’t bothered to let you know it cancelled because it figures you’ll just catch the next one that comes along.

The P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Poker Face

This train plays two distinct hands. The first is to intimidate you into folding early. You hop on a train because you are sure it is the right one, but something about the train makes you question its destination. It’s a sign or a vague direction you hear the conductor give another person. All of a sudden you ditch the train only to realize a few minutes later that it most definitely was the one you needed and now you will be waiting forever for another train, especially if it’s in the middle of the day.

The second hand is a result of the train’s impeccably vague instructions. It gives just enough information to convince you that you are going to come out on top. You’ve got the right train going in the right direction to the right destination, and then bam! You’re stuck in the belly of Monte Carlo when you meant to be in St. Rochelle, or the train darts past your stop because you failed to realize it was an express.

The Peeping Tom

          Sometimes the train winds its way around the track at an incredibly slow pace, allowing for it to become your peephole into other people’s daily lives. From your seat, you can watch ladies clad only in their undergarments tending their flowers on their balconies, if only for a few seconds as the train creeps on by. You can watch a team score the winning goal in their soccer match and rush to celebrate by tackling the goalie. You can have small snapshots of intimate moments in people’s lives as you watch an old man sit quietly on a bench sipping his morning cup of coffee or a mother scold her children at the beach. This train helps you to forget that you are going to be late to the showing of that film in the Palais by allowing you to momentarily slip into someone else’s life for a few brief seconds.

The Dumpster

            This train acts more like a pool gutter than anything else, collecting all the trash you would rather not see while you’re trying to have a good time. A strand of hair caught in the vent blows in your direction and you to hope to the high heavens that it does not break free and float your way. Adjusting your skirt, you notice an apple core has been smashed between the seats. Leftover capsules from some passenger’s medication taken en route litter the floor and roll between your feet as the train accelerates, and the seat next to you smells faintly of urine. In front of you, there are plastic wrappers trapped in the fold-down table or, if you are lucky, a piece of gum placed haphazardly on the wall so that you have to lean away into the stranger next to you to avoid getting any on your clothes.

            Occasionally you encounter the dumpster divers, who stumble along the cars looking for treasures unbeknownst to you. It is even possible for one of these divers to dive right into your lap, mumbling something in French that you might not even understand if you spoke the language. The best method is to scoot quickly away while they crawl into the next room and startle other passengers.

The Museum

          Although all trains have the potential to become public forums for graffiti artists everywhere, museum status is reserved for a special few. You wait in line to board only to be overwhelmed by the displays that surround you as the doors slide shut. These trains have cartoons, vocabulary lessons, and, of course, obscenities scrawled into every surface the train has to offer. Scratched into windows you can barely look out, you can find initials of lovers from the days of romance when carving your names into public property is a sign of permanent affection. On the ceiling overhead, there could be passages from poets or drawings reminiscent of etchings found in old cave walls. You could walk the train for hours investigating the masterpieces of this modern museum, but as the train pulls into the next stop, you realize you have other places to be and other sights to see.

The James Bond

          Get a window seat and the French train can become your best tool for practicing secret service style surveillance. When the glare gets in the way of your viewing the scenery right out the window, focus your eyes instead on the reflection in the window and use it to spy on the lovebirds a few rows ahead who you are sure are having an intense discussion, or perhaps make out session. If you can smell that the guy a seat behind you has food, but you aren’t sure what, just pretend you are gazing spacily out across the ocean while you take a covert glance in his bag. Sometimes, if you are lucky, you can catch people doing embarrassing things like picking their nose. The train can be your best partner in crime so long as you don’t get caught and make things awkward for everyone involved.

The Rosetta Stone

          Ride it long enough and the French train has the capability to turn into your number one source for foreign language education. On a good day, you can at least hear three separate languages from Cannes to Juan-les-Pins, most likely French, German and Italian. Whether it’s because you are forced to converse when asked about the train (see excuses/conversation starter), or just as a result of sitting around long enough to listen to entire conversations between the passengers around you, both are valid and quick methods to take a crash course in daily vocabulary… or at least train-related vocabulary.

The Runway

          The aisle of the train becomes a runway for each person to do their little turn and show off what they’ve got. All sorts of people ride the train, so no matter what your style, you can be sure to see a few people you might like to try and emulate and at least a dozen others you know for sure you won’t. A few suave French teens will provide the beat for the parade of scarves, dresses, heels, hats and jeans weave their way in and out of the seats while the music blasts from their earbuds, also serving as your update on the hippest music in the French Riviera.