America's Next Top Embarrassment

Sometimes I feel like walking talking reality show for America, but mainly just like the hidden camera kind. Usually I feel like I am a participant on America's Next Top Embarrassment, which I just made up. This is kind of a big deal, I have to say. It consists of secretly videoing some awkward Americans in foreign countries and, depending on the scores they get, kicking the contestants off until only the most awkward is left. I don't know what the prize would be really, maybe just acknowledgment. Anyway, here is a scene from Season 1 Episode 1 of America's Next Top Embarrassment.

SCENE: Inside the Palais. There is a girl wandering the floors with a map looking for a theater called the "Bazin." She has approximately two minutes until her film starts.

Caitlyn: Excuse me, is this the Ba-zin?

Guard: Oui. Badge, sil-vous-plait?

She fumbles to show him her market badge which he quickly scans, motioning her inside. She walks through the theater doors and into complete darkness, as the lights have already fallen. As she searches the darkness, she widens her eyes all the way, trying to make them adjust to the blackness before her more quickly. A tiny light switches on and moves to her face.

Caitlyn (shielding her eyes and squinting): Oh, um, bon-jour...

Attendant: Ah, American... this way, please.

The attendant walks backwards, shining her flashlight on the ground before her to create a path of light for Caitlyn to follow. Caitlyn inches forward, putting one foot carefully and slowly in front of the other, not trusting her eyes to correctly reveal any bumps or changes in height of the carpet quickly enough for her to react in time.

Attendant: Here.

Caitlyn is still in the aisle about three feet farther back that she needs to be, looking for the guiding light on the ground but not finding it as the attendant has turned it off and remains the only pillar of direction in the flickering light of the opening credits of the film.

Caitlyn: Uh...

Attendant: Here. Here.

Caitlyn: Uh...

Caitlyn shuffles quickly to reach the aisle. She is still blind and the movie is starting. She puts her arms out in front to brace herself, but trips over someone's feet. She does not fall, but instead squishes herself between the knees of the man whose feet she tripped over and the seat directly in front of him.

Caitlyn: Oops! Sorry, uh... I mean, pardon. Excuse-moi.

Man: ...

Caitlyn: Desolee.

Caitlyn continues walking down the side aisle hoping to somehow feel her way towards an open seat without interrupting too many people from the start of the movie. She almost puts her hands up in front of her again to brac.... WHAM!

Caitlyn walks smack into a sloped wall. She stumbles backwards, shocked and confused... into the lap of the man she tripped over.

Caitlyn (whispering): Sorry! Ugh! I mean, desolee.

She scoots back over into the next seat. Turns out the row was only two seats wide, the shortest one in the entire theater. Caitlyn settles in, trying to quiet the crinkling of paper in her bag as she finds a place for it on the floor. It's time to watch the film.